The Best of Craigslist: A User's Selection

I’m back!

richelmore — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:01:38 +0000

I needs a ho – 24 (anhcorge)

Check this out yall stankass mofos i needs somethnng to poke on. I r smooth operator Yo biznatchs this sexi peace of man meat is on the market. I B lookin for a down ass ho who ain’t be causing no drama. When I come home fromn a hard day of pimpin i aspect a nice meal of mcdees or taco bell waiting for if not I be gettin pissed. A man gotta eat and i gots to gets to get my drink on too I needs a 40 of old english every cople hores. I run these hos like a king chikching niggers run and hide when I ping. Word to your mothers I want to get funky up in that skunky baby. let me grind up your coffee bean like it aint no thing (Link).

Friends and lovers, I know it has been a long time, too long, but please welcome me back with this awesome morsel of Craigslist love. There’s a picture, too. You know you missed me.

Something Very Different

richelmore — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:04:26 +0000

HUMAN TOILET – m4w – 45 (ABQ HOTEL)

Date: 2009-03-29, 3:14PM MDT

Are you the type of woman who really enjoys standing over an attractive and willing submissive and giving him your golden and brown showers? Would you like a regular toilet to take them from you? If yes, I am a tall, slim, fit, and very attractive professional, early 40s, who loves to receive golden and brown showers and is looking for someone to meet on a regular basis. If you are slender that is a plus. And if you have friends who would like to use your toilet that too is a plus. Non-pros are welcome and if I find the right woman (or group) I will be definitely appreciative. Hope to hear from you ladies very soon.

I will be in the area in two weeks on a bike trip, I’m in shape. and up for something kinky (Link)

Wow. Well, America and beyond, some people have interests that no doctor would ever recommend. This is one of those. I’ve heard of it, but never had a face to attach to this (depraved?) fetish. That’s right- he attached a photo of himself and a nasty little cartoon, too. This is my pride and glory of my recent ABQ finds.

Baby Mama

richelmore — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:00:32 +0000

Pregnancy wntd – m4w – 30 (Abq Se )

Date: 2009-03-31, 1:50PM MDT

i am a hot white guy looking to get a hot female pregnanted nsa encounters lets hook up (Link)

I’m pretty sure that getting some chick knocked up is a decidedly strings attached encounter. It just is. But maybe it’s different if she’s pregnanted and not pregnant. Hmm.

Unique Identifiers

richelmore — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:55:54 +0000

I will be going to get drunk in an hour – m4w – 30

Date: 2009-03-31, 6:00PM MDT

I think I said it clear. If you are fit and in shape I will be at applebee’s on coors and I-40 wearing white socks and having a beer with orange. Please be straight up and dont come if you dont want to have sex. and no older that 40 I have enough cougars. (Link)

Let’s unpack this little bundle of joy. First, the man states that he is going to get drunk. He thinks this message is clear. Hmm. Best yet – his identifiers are that he will be wearing white socks and having a beer with orange. I know Albuquerque is a strange city and all, but how off the wall can one man get?? White socks and an orange slice? It seems to me like half of the frequent male visitors of the establishment might have those two things in common with our author. Plus, won’t it be hard to spot white socks if he’s wearing shoes or sitting at a table?? Oh, the challenges of the penis-driven. Oh yeah, and he already has plenty of cougars. Ok, well it’s best he stays out of the mountains then.

Lactation Partner Sought

richelmore — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:45:11 +0000

ok, so i have this fetish – 27 (Albuquerque)

Date: 2009-03-27, 6:04PM MDT

haha, so anyway, I am 27 years old, and really want to suck on a woman’s breast (like I am nursing) while she is watching tv on the couch or on the bed. It doesn’t go any further than that.. i know it may seem kind of strange, but if it sounds like something you’d be up for, get back to me! (Link)

Readers, we’ve seen this fetish before. It’s nothing new, this desire in grown men to nurse. Freud would have a field day and we tend to, too. There are two great things about this post. 1) Anything that starts off with, “ok, so I have this fetish,” is worth my time. 2) He thinks this is a weird, unheard of fetish. Dude, your level of naivete is almost endearing.

Zombie Lovers Inquire Here

richelmore — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:40:59 +0000

I crave flesh – 19

Date: 2009-03-30, 1:30PM MDT

I’ll be completely honest… I am an undead man looking a delicious, fleshy, live girl. Beyond that I have no specific needs. Inability to run fast and lack of access to weapons/crowbars is a definite plus though. A big, tasty brain would also earn you bonus points. If the thought of being eaten isn’t appealing to you then I’m not the zombie for you. (Link - picture)

So…this is kind of awesome. Not only is it kinky, but the zombie metaphor completely works here. It’s smart and funny! 5 stars to zombie kinkmeister.

Happy Ending

richelmore — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:37:37 +0000

For Every Story a Happy Ending (ABQ )

Date: 2009-03-30, 10:18PM MDT

Albuquerque Ladies,

If your idea of a happy ending to a hard day is a free [no money involved] 110% full body massage,
email me with contact information. And yes, this is an indecent proposal.

Please be an ABQ local woman over 18, clean, and have a space big enough for me to set up a table.

At your service, (Link)

Well friends, it has been a long time (three months to be exact). I won’t apologize for the all-out stop of postings, but will give you a nice bucket of nasty to peruse. I was on the Albuquerque Craigslist page and found a few gems. This post is only okay, but what won me over was the, “And yes, this is an indecent proposal.” Nice!

Happy New Year and Congratulations to Us!

richelmore — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:07:00 +0000

Well, it’s almost 2009 (finally – I am done with 2008) so happy new year to all of you!

Also, we have surpassed the 5,000 views mark, which has made all of my wildest dreams (including the one with the unicorn, 7 foot tall Italian Romeo, and body paint) come true.

Here’s to another one!

Misdemeanors and Mating

richelmore — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:41:14 +0000

Woman w/ a job who dosn’t mind a slob! – 35

Date: 2008-12-25, 6:12AM MST

Single hot female(full bodied)ISO man. Must have teeth,job and a bus pass..as I have all of the above, and looking for some LOVE!I hope u dont mind my criminal backround…I was born to get down!Must be man enough to share your last can…natural light is my beer of choice! Hair optional. So….come on! Take a chance…..I could be your one true love! (Link)

…Perfect for everyone? This gal baffles me a bit. It’s nice that hair is optional because it’s really not always in style. She’s clearly with it.

Paternal Explications

richelmore — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:35:43 +0000

My dad works at the Dulce Secret Base – 23

Date: 2008-12-30, 11:43AM MST

I’m in my senior year at the University of New Mexico majoring in physics. My dad works at the secret underground facility in Dulce. When we are together, he always tells me about the cool stuff he does there. Let me know if you are interested in having a drink. (Link)

First, talking about your father is generally not the best way to stimulate a lady into a tizzy…unless he’s Sean Connery, Jude Law, or, I don’t know, Hugh Jackman or something. Second, talking about physics and secret bases and whatnot is weird and suspicious. I feel like reporting this dweeb to whatever appropriate authority wants to know about weird Craigslist personals.